#6

"I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all..." -from Lady Antebellum- Need you now

I am having a rough time tonight with some things concerning the boys. I am hoping writing them down will help. I want to be the very best mother I am able to be for my sons. It is so important to me that they always know how much they are loved and how much they are capable of doing in their lives. I want to be their biggest fan (and I am!) but I also want to be their strongest advocate as well. Therein lies the problem for me tonight.

I was changing Casey's diaper tonight and getting him ready for his last bottle before I laid him down to HOPEFULLY sleep through the night. I had the TV on in the background when something caught my attention. The new episode of Family Guy was on and Stewie was singing about a girl with Down Syndrome. Immediately I felt myself tense. Should I be pissed? Why are they making a mockery of DS? What is wrong with these people? I am still angry and I want to write an angry letter and boycott the show. I know that won't really change anything but I feel like it's my duty to my children to defend them from these kinds of attacks.

Am I being overly sensitive? The truth of the matter is- as well as I do with the fact that my beautiful babies have DS- it still KILLS me to think of people making fun of them in any way. I KNOW all kids get teased. I got teased, my brothers got teased- it's a part of life. I get that. But I would give anything in this world to make sure that those precious babies of mine never know the pain of an insult. I want to shield them from all harm in life. I want to change the way the world thinks of Down Syndrome because if I do that then maybe my boys will never be seen as anything but the perfect boys I see.

I am so angry about this. But more than being angry I am sad for my sons and for all the other sons and daughters out there that have Down Syndrome. I am literally sobbing right now as I write this. This is one of the times I don't feel strong at all. I feel so weak and small and helpless to make a difference. I am really hurting for my sons and they have no idea what is even going on. The only thing they worry about is if they get fed on time and that they are held at least 20 hours a day.

What do I do? I have so many emotions tonight. I hate when I feel like this though when it comes to my sons I feel like this less and less often. The part that really bugs me is that I can't decide if I feel sorry for them or for myself.

As a parent, you never want to think of your child suffering. I KNOW there are things they will struggle with. I KNOW there are people who will be jerks or write them off. I know all this and I am so DAMNED angry that there is not a frigging thing I can do about it! I hate that I can't protect my babies from the insensitive people in the world. They bring me such joy that I feel that they deserve nothing less in return. I can't keep them from feeling pain and it is killing me.

I have decided that the best way I can advocate for my sons is to treat them the same way I would any other child and to do my best to educate everyone I meet about DS. But how do I do both? If I am determined to treat them as I would any other child then the DS shouldn't be an issue but how do I educate people if I ignore it entirely? I also hate when I don't have all the answers.

The best thing I can do is to pray to God for answers and maybe a little bit of strength to do what I need to do- to teach people that Casey and Connor deserve every opportunity any other child deserves- that ALL people with DS deserve a fair shake in life. I have to be strong for my sons. I am weak and sad tonight and I am going to allow myself to feel this way for a little while longer and then I will move on- I can't dwell on this forever. Sometimes running away from the ugly feelings is too hard and I have to just feel them.

I just never want to fail them.

They stole my heart and I will fight for them until I die.

I am going to stop crying now.

There is work to be done.