Sunday, July 31, 2011

I am having a really rough night.

For the last almost 20 months we have held and rocked our boys to sleep. The last few weeks it has become apparent that this is no longer working. We decided to try a new method for bedtime. We held and snuggled the boys for about 30 minutes and then we laid them down, kissed them on their sweet little heads and walked away.

Casey has been crying for what seems like a lifetime but has really only been about 15 minutes. I feel like the worst mother ever. I want so badly to run up and get him but he needs to learn to get to sleep on his own or he will be 35 and cuddled on my lap for a nap.

This is so hard. I m not sure who has cried more- me or him. I think me.


I want the guys to be independent. I don't know if this is the way to go about it but it's the road we are traveling now.

I hate this road.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

You may say that I'm a dreamer-

I was reading a blog post by an amazing woman who also happens to have a little man with a bonus 21st and in it she was talking about some questions on a form from a pediatrician she is considering.

The question: What are your dreams for your child. This got me thinking.

I have many dreams for Casey and Connor. Before I knew that the boys have DS I had the typical dreams- athletic, honor students, well liked, caring, married to wonderful women and lots of grand-babies for me to spoil down the road. Just the basics. =)

I had to go through a period where I changed the dreams I have for them.

I dream that Casey and Connor will speak AND be heard. I dream that their voices will change the way people see Down syndrome. I dream that they can change the world with their words of love and hope. I also dream of hearing the words, "I love you, mommy."

I dream that Casey and Connor will learn to walk and that the steps they take lead them on a journey of beauty and fulfillment. I want them to walk into the future with their heads held high and I want them to walk with purpose. I dream they will walk with God and that they will inspire others to walk gently but with purpose. I also dream of the day they walk to me and hug me or just hold my hand as we walk together.

I dream that Casey and Connor will become students of life. I want them to understand the things that seem to elude so many. I want them to understand that things are not always what they seem. Some things that seem bad are beautiful and some things that seem perfect are ugly. I dream they will learn that judging before understanding is the wrong way to go through life.

I dream that Casey and Connor will love. I dream they will love fully and without reservation. I dream they will love another and themselves and that they will be loved in turn as much as their parents love them now. I dream they will find someone who makes them feel special and important and who supports their dreams and sees the perfection in them that I see every time I look at those beautiful little faces. I want them to have the love I feel for their father.

I dream that Casey and Connor will be given every opportunity in life to be whatever it is they wish to be. I dream that they are given the chance to try anything. I dream they are seen as equals and are treated as their typical peers are treated. If they want to be karate kids who paint and sing and act and dance all while playing football and bowling I dream they are able to do so. If Connor wants to become a hair stylist and Casey wishes to become the first dentist with Down syndrome then I will support them.

I dream that Casey and Connor will become dreamers. I want for them the opportunity to dream their own dreams- to look at the world around them and decide what it is they want out of life. I want them to dream big and to reach beyond any limitations and to achieve their dreams.

I dream that Casey and Connor will always be my miracle men and that they will one day appreciate the love this mother has for her sons- though they will never fully understand the depth of that love. I hope they always know that whatever they do or dream is perfectly fine with me so long as they fulfill the biggest and most important dream I have for them- If nothing else I only dream that they are happy.