Friday, June 18, 2010

Faith and Motherhood

I recently became a member of the church my grandparents and my mother belong to. I used to go there on occasion when I was younger but got away from it for several reasons after I went away to college. After I had the boys my Granny and my mom requested prayers for me and my little men every Sunday and the congregation would ask for regular updates on our guys and their progress. They truly seemed to care about the well-being of our little miracle babies. Knowing people who you don't even know are rooting for you does something good for your soul.

I took the babies to church on Easter Sunday and there was such a HUGE welcoming to all of us that I HAD to become a member of the church because I always want my boys to have the Christian upbringing I had and have that same moral compass that has led me in my life. The other important thing for me is that they always know that God loves them and made them perfect and that God doesn't make mistakes!

Recently, some members of our congregation participated in a mission trip out of state at a group home for people with developmental disabilities and brain injuries. They spoke of the residents that they met with nothing but love in their voices as they stood before the church reporting on their trip. One woman's story in particular had both my mom and me in tears. She told of how she used to feel uncomfortable around people who are different and that after this trip she realized that we are all the same! What an incredible revelation in her life! She reminded everyone that all people are the same regardless of ability and I don't have the words to express how much that meant to me. I want everyone to know this!

As I was crying while listening to her story I began to think that God knows just what we need even when we don't. It's amazing. Being a mother has done nothing but increase my faith in God.

When we first married I was aware of the fact that my husband didn't want to have children. I knew and accepted that because I love this man more than I can tell you. He is the wind in my sails! Anyway, I knew that Matt didn't want kids but I was not totally convinced I didn't want them- I would have been fine without children but my heart wasn't totally convinced we'd be okay. So I left it to God. When I would say my daily prayers I would thank God for my amazing husband, my wonderful family, my health and my job and I would always finish with this statement- if you feel we should have a baby let us have one. I leave it to you.

I never told Matt about that part of my prayers because it was a private thing. I think now that I KNEW I longed for motherhood but felt so completely blessed with my Matthew that I was willing to do without. God knew what was in my heart and blessed me with the sons I was meant to have. And I am so thrilled that He did. I never knew you could love someone like I love those boys.

Faith is a powerful thing. And faith is the reason why I am not afraid to have another baby despite the strong suggestion of the doctor at the Down Syndrome clinic that we meet with the genetic counselor first. Initially, I felt like I would be irresponsible if I didn't follow her directive. Now, I feel like I would be betraying myself if I did follow it! God will give us the baby we are meant to have. More importantly what can a genetic counselor do other than tell me the odds that we have another baby with DS? I have heard that the Chance of dying from a car accident is 1 in 18,585 but I still get in a car nearly everyday! If it's my time to go it will happen. The point is- no one can predict the future and I have decided to live by one of my favorite and most treasured mottos- Let go and Let God!

As a mother I have to have faith all the time. I have to have faith in the cribs we bought for our sons and have faith that my husband assembled them correctly. I have to have faith that the formulas we buy for the babies are nutritionally sound. I have to have faith that the car seats that we put those little ones in will save them if we got into an accident. I have to have faith that I know what I am doing and that I have the best partner in the world to help me raise these guys. I have faith coming out of my ears! It's a damn good thing, too, because life without faith would be scary and lonely. My life is anything BUT scary and lonely. I have more love in my life than most 10 people combined.

Faith is good. Motherhood without faith would be like night without moon and stars- dark and difficult to navigate.