I am writing tonight to get something outta my head and hopefully to put the thought to rest- though I am certain that will never actually happen. Tomorrow I am taking C&C to the airfield where my family has been skydiving since I was a mere child myself. I have known the majority of the people there for more than half of my life and I am eager to introduce my sons to them. For all intents and purposes they are an extension of my biological family. So why- knowing that these people love me and my family am I SO nervous to take my sons there?
I think I am really scared that someone will say something stupid or thoughtless and I am gonna have to hate them for it! I find that I judge people now based on how they react to the news of the boys' diagnosis. I also have found it's really important that I tell people that they have DS because I NEED them to know. I need to see how they will treat them. I guess I feel like if I put it out there I am showing that we are proud regardless of their chromosomally enhanced status. There are the people I have met that couldn't care less about it and love them as much as I do. Those people mean the world to me.
There are those that pretend there is nothing wrong at all. While I appreciate those that know and actually BELIEVE there is nothing wrong it's the people who know but feel sorry for us or C&C and act like there is nothing wrong and that bothers me. If you are upset for us it's as if you expect that we are upset for ourselves and nothing could be further from the truth.
And now, I am well aware of a third group of people who I had the unfortunate luck to encounter- though never in person- those that blatantly hate people with disabilities and treat them as a subclass of people or as my high school algebra teacher would say- A second class citizen. Those are the people that terrify me because I have seen the vile things they spew. I would hate to encounter any of these types of people in the real world because I think I would be forced to kill them- plain and simple.
Because of my new measuring stick of people's place in my life I am afraid that the people I have known for a huge part of my life won't measure up. Simply- once again I prove how weak I really am. I hate that particular character flaw in myself.
The only thing that gives me comfort is that we have some wonderful friends who have an absolutely amazing son named Toby. Toby also has DS and he skydives at the same airfield. I see the kindness that is extended to him and it makes me think that maybe my boys will be just fine in the world. Toby is a heck of a guy and I love him for being the bright spot in my life that he is without even realizing it! When I was carrying the boys and was as big as a truck Toby patted my stomach and said "You're cute." No Toby- it's you that's cute. He may never know how much that meant to me that day but I will never forget it because he said it so sweetly and not at all in the annoying way people would say it because they were all too aware of my massive size. Toby reminds me what is good in the world and he is a big reason why I was not upset about our boys for too long. Whoa! Really started rambling there. Back on track- Toby is treated well and I know for a fact that he is adored by all the same people I am nervous to introduce to my new family.
I have to learn to "Let go and let God" because He will make sure I am surrounded by the right people. He gave me boys and I am thankful to Him for such a wonderful gift. I should trust the He also gave me more sense than to fear the world for my boys. Fearing people's reactions does not make me a good advocate for them and I need to just knock it off. Writing it out helps. I am still new at all this mom stuff. I'd imagine all moms worry about their kids. I certainly don't have the monopoly on THAT whole song and dance, right?
Ok, so... I am going to go in the morning and I am going to be the proud and doting mother that I am and I will have FAITH that God is the one who is always looking out for us and I can just enjoy the day with my beautiful baby boys.
And they are really beautiful.
As a P.S. of sorts- We are SO blessed to have such amazing neighbors. They already love our boys and there was never a question about it- they make me really proud to live where we live and I am so happy that I know them.
