Apologies and Pledges

It doesn't happen very often and I am sorry that I let my frustration get the best of me the other day. I think a part of my mini meltdown can be blamed on pregnancy hormones. I have been told that I shouldn't let words get me down, that when people use the "R" word it's not directed at people like my sons. I disagree. There is no instance when someone can call someone else or something else retarded that makes it acceptable. I will continue to react and to educate and fight back against the use of derogatory words. I will fight this fight until people realize what a disgusting word it really is. It was not that long ago that people felt perfectly comfortable calling black people the n word. It was used in everyday conversations. SOMEONE stood up and said NO! This is not acceptable. Then more people stood with him (or her!) and made that same statement- 'This is NOT OKAY!' Today, we hear that word from fewer people (sadly from quite a few rappers) but it's not something I expect to hear in a conversation with the checkout guy at the supermarket. The "R" word is not the same though. Doctors, nurses, lawyers, politicians, actors, news anchors, singers, authors, teachers, students and people from every walk of life and age group can be heard using the "r" word. It's offensive and upsetting. My husband hears it often in his classes at Kent State University and he has corrected people. The kids on our street hear it and now some react and correct others. It's a snowball effect. I am standing up and saying 'NO! I will NOT tolerate that language!' My voice is joining THOUSANDS of other voices all proclaiming the same thing "THIS WORD IS UNACCEPTABLE!" Soon our voices may drown out those of overpaid actors and sports stars and we can change things. I have hope. I will continue to fight. I need to remember that things DO NOT change over night. I need to keep the faith that I can do this- I CAN change how people see kids like mine. I CAN change what opportunities people with disabilities are given. I CAN change the language people see as acceptable. I am strong and capable and I am NEVER going to quit fighting for Casey and Connor and for EVERY SINGLE PERSON WITH ANY DISABILITY. I will NEVER give up on trying to make this a better world for ALL CHILDREN to grow up in. You are all on this journey with me! Help me. Share the link to the Spread the Word to End the Word campaign http://www.r-word.org/ and have your kids, friends and family pledge to stop using the word retard and retarded. Post it to celebrity twitter and facebook pages. Make people aware! It will take time. It just so happens we all have time to spare.

Thanks for all the support. Please keep sharing this blog (use the buttons at the bottom of the post to share) and keep the faith that every time you stand up and say "No!" YOU are making a difference! As always, feel free to contact me at meghan_wilkinson10808@yahoo.com or find Casey and Connor on FaceBook and become a fan!

"Every worthwhile accomplishment, big or little, has its stages of drudgery and triumph; a beginning, a struggle and a victory." Ghandi

So... small

Dear God, Please give me the strength I need to be a good mother, a good advocate and a strong voice in the world. I pray that I can change how people view those with disabilities. There are so many with such huge platforms that choose to degrade and belittle rather than choosing to encourage others to treat EVERYONE with respect. Please Lord, help me on this road you have laid out before me. There are times I feel too small to do much and there are times I feel to angry to be productive. I don't know why you chose this as my life but I am yours, Lord. Help me do you proud. Amen.

That was my Facebook status tonight and the prayer that I feel so strongly in my heart. After reading the review of George Clooney's new film "The Descendants" that was written by a wonderful friend who has a son with Down syndrome I have been D.O.W.N. down tonight. There is a scene that is utterly offensive and derogatory with use of the "r" word and where one character actually makes fun of people with disabilities saying something to the effect of "Speaking of the retarded," he says, "do you ever feel bad for wishing a retarded person or an old person or a disabled person would hurry up? Sometimes I wait for them to cross the street and I'm like, 'Come on already!' but then I feel bad."

WHY?

Again. A question I have no answer for. I will never have an answer.

I have pain though. And anger. And an overwhelming need to protect my children from the world I brought them into

When will it stop? How does someone like little old ME make a difference? I feel helpless and angry and so damn sad that I wonder if I'll be able to sleep tonight. I honestly believe that God has a purpose for my life. I want to do something good. I feel really small. So. Small.

And this problem is SO OVERWHELMINGLY HUGE!

I am having a regular, old pity party tonight. I am sorry. Those of you who actually read this blog deserve something better, brighter- but tonight I don't feel bright. I feel angry. Really angry. And totally useless.

I am going to go to bed and pray that God give me the strength to not pity to not feel small and help me find my path more clearly defined. And I am going to THANK Him for giving me Casey and Connor.

That's the true blessing here. If it weren't for my magical, miracle men I would still be living my life as the shallow, unaware, uncaring mess I was before. If C&C didn't have their bonus 21st's I would have no idea that there was so much beauty in the world- tainted by occasional ugliness. I want the best for my sons, for all children- with disabilities and without. I want EVERYONE to know the love that I feel for my sons and I want them to share that love. I want people to learn to raise up rather than knock down.

I don't want much.

Right?

Carrie Underwood's song So Small is my theme song tonight.

Yeah, Yeah
What you got if you ain't got love
the kind that you just want to give away
its okay to open up
go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
you want to shut the world out and just be left alone
but don't run out on your faith

'cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
is just a grain of sand
and what you've been up there searching for forever
is in your hands
when you figure out love is all that matters after all
it sure makes everything else seem so small

it's so easy to get lost inside
a problem that seems so big at the time
it's like a river thats so wide
it swallows you whole
while you siting 'round thinking 'bout what you can't change
and worrying about all the wrong things
time's flying by
moving so fast
you better make it count 'cause you cant get it back

sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
is just a grain of sand
and what you've been up there searching for forever
is in your hands
oh when you figure out love is all that matters after all
it sure makes everything else seem so small

sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
is just a grain of sand
and what you've been up there searching for forever
is in your hands
oh when you figure out love is all that matters after all
it sure makes everything else...
oh it sure makes everything else seem so small
Yeah, Yeah